Dear reader, uncertainty is scary, but pessimism is boring.

Sincerely, a writer who is tired of negative thinking and self-doubt holding her back.

Uncertainty and how discomforting it can be was brought up during my therapy session, leading to me mentioning my essay about uncertainty and apologizing (again) for not sending her my essays. Despite her being my therapist, sending them to her feels extremely hard to do. Will vulnerability always make me feel uncomfortable? My therapist swears it won’t. Me? Well, I’m holding on to hope that she’s right.

I tried my hardest to keep myself very small for most of my life. I think it felt like a way to protect myself. I thought the smaller I made myself the easier life would be. I never liked attention, so why bring it upon myself? It wasn’t until a few years ago that I realized the impact all those years of being closed off and keeping myself small had on me.

Keeping myself closed off might mean that no one will know me, but no one will hurt me either. And if no one hurts me, I won't have to experience the excruciating pain of knowing someone and loving them and then no longer having them in my life. I won’t have to feel how parts of them still linger in your life like how I can’t even pass by certain places or listen to certain songs without thinking of them. I won’t have to be reminded how certain happy memories of mine feel different now because someone I loved was part of those special moments for me but is no longer part of my life.

But what a pessimistic way of viewing vulnerability and human connection. How sad is it to have such a negative view of something that can bring you so much joy? It used to be easier to enter my little world where it’s me, my thoughts, and my words. Not anymore. My little world of isolation where I felt comfortable has felt suffocating. I want more for myself.

I love to tell other people who say harsh comments about themselves like they’re too “weird to do this” or “ugly to do that” that even if the negative way you view yourself is somehow true, that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to exist and be known by others. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t allow yourself to connect with others until you’re “fixed” or a “better” version of the person you are now. Still, at times it feels like I am waiting for the day that I will be someone worthy of connecting with others and that all my problems will no longer exist. I don’t know what problems are so terrible that I should avoid being around others, but apparently, they exist. It’s exhausting having different standards for myself compared to others. I’m over letting self-hatred win.

I recently went to a viewing of a short film by local artists and left feeling inspired. Seeing people in my local community create something that spoke to them and the audience felt like a visual reminder of the power of allowing yourself to be vulnerable with your art. It's always nice to see the beauty in being creative and allowing your ideas to come to life. Sometimes, I forget how healing writing and creating can be and don’t let my ideas come to life. 

I’m always thinking of different writing ideas, coming up with dialogue, and writing pieces of scenes. I go through my notes app all the time because there’s always some piece of dialogue, character description, etc. to add to my Word document full of pieces of writing from previous days. The problem is— I allow them to only exist with me and no one else. I don’t let them become fully fleshed-out written projects. When they exist in the world they’re no longer mine and what if I’m not ready? What if it’s not good enough?

But how will I know if I never try? Here’s the answer—I won’t.

It can be scary to dream big and anticipate good things happening because what if things don’t go right? But I tend to forget the positive and hopeful part of the waiting period between taking the risk and waiting for what becomes of it. The excitement you feel while imagining things going your way and the giddiness you feel while waiting. You did it! You took the risk and now you wait. I always think of the negatives like the possible rejection or the feeling that you failed after the rejection. The terrible reminder that not every risk turns out how you want it to. The uncertainty you feel after your plans don't go your way.

Pessimism. Pessimism. Pessimism. How boring!

I’m slowly learning to love uncertainty instead of letting it rob me of joy. I’m learning how to not confuse pessimism with “being realistic.” It can be easy for me to treat my knowledge of something not turning out the way I want it to as a logical reason why I should not get too excited about something in case it doesn’t go my way. I’ve become more and more displeased with this way of thinking though. Uncertainty is scary, but pessimism is boring. 

I have plenty of ideas that could become more if I let them, so I will. I’ll take those pieces and make them a project. I’ll allow myself to dream big and who knows what may become of it. 

There’s no good reason not to.